This post is meant solely to educate, share from a different perspective, and provide insight so that eating disorders can be better understood. However I remind you that eating disorders vary, and this is my personal experience. It may not be like this for everyone.
Hi. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever directly addressed you before even though I’ve talked ABOUT you to so many people. Maybe I tried to talk to you in my head, but I think you were always much louder and won. I listened to you and barely got any words out. Up until this point, I let you do all the talking. I let you silence me. After all, what you said worked for the past like ten years or longer. That’s like half my life. What you said protected me. It comforted me. I felt better. I was treated better. I felt not completely safe, but at least safer than before…
I hear you. Your reasons were valid. They made sense.
I want to say, thank you. I admit that I needed you, especially when I was younger and didn’t know any better. Especially given my circumstances, you helped me get through some really rough times. Some really… dark times. I could’ve easily given up. I could not be here… so thank you for keeping me alive. You were a friend when I felt alone. Always there. You distracted me from my heart’s crazy storms and the floods of words that confused my poor mind.
I sit here now, reflecting. I’ve gone for five months without actually directly addressing you. Maybe I was secretly hoping that we can still be friends, even after I discharge. We don’t have to be as close right? The idea that we’d have to part and you’d be gone forever is too painful and unimaginable and I just want to deny that that time will ever come.
But… we can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.
Honestly, you’re holding me back. I am capable of so much and deserve to connect and receive love from others. Instead, I’ve been spending so much of my time and attention on you. Hiding our relationship from the people who care about me. Fighting you. Then going back because I need you. Trying to make our relationship work. But other people also see the good that comes from our relationship and still express that to me… how could I let that go?
That’s you speaking again. Oh how your thoughts have literally taken over mine. Sometimes I still get tricked. You’re so sneaky. I’M DONE.
I feel so ridiculously full right now. There’s so much in me that wants to listen to your voice again. To get rid of what I ate. To work it off. To skip the rest of my meal plan. To find relief. Just to shut you up. Its like the amount of shame increases with the amount I eat… and today I ate what felt like was “a lot”. But it’s not. Its the minimum to meet what my body needs and as my health care providers, THE PROFESSIONALS, told me today. YOU ARE NOT A PROFESSIONAL. You are not a doctor. You are not a therapist. You do not know what’s best. Even if you have access to all that psychology and biology knowledge that I acquired in school… you are no pro. Seriously. Stand down.
I want you to know that I trust my therapists and dietitians. They care. They know what I’ve gone through just like you do, and they’re giving me other options that won’t harm me. YOU, are harming me. Yes, I said it. Yeah their options are also really ridiculously hard and don’t feel good, but in the bigger picture it know it is for my good, unlike yours.
So PLEASE, stop trying to tell me otherwise. Stop telling me how large I’m gonna get or how everyone’s gonna judge, be disappointed in me, or not like me anymore. The numbers on the scale are pointless. Who cares how much the Earth loves me anyways as it pulls me closer to its surface?? NO ONE. ONLY YOU.
Stop depriving me of the vitamins and nutrients I need. Stop dehydrating me- my body needs the water to function. Stop stopping me. Isolating me. Guilt tripping me.
I can do this without you.
I have the tools, the support, and a solid spiritual foundation from whom I draw my strength, my everlasting Father. The more I get to know Him, the less I need you. In fact, the more I’m almost angry at you for how much of my life you’ve messed up and how manipulative you were. You really hurt me. I don’t need you in my life. At the rate you were going… you would’ve taken my life FROM me. How blind was I to only see this now?
So I write this to you, directly saying that I will have no more. I don’t care if I gain weight. I don’t care if I feel full. I don’t care if the world that lies ahead seems confusing and hazy, because its NEW territory. And new territory isn’t bad.
I deserve joy, freedom, laughter, strength, connection, healing… and love.
I care about my health. I care about the condition of my heart, soul, mind, and yes body too… for I need them healthy and strong to live and function in this world. And in order to function, it needs to be fueled and cared for, regularly. I will give my body all the nutrients it needs from every food group. I won’t deprive it in hopes of shedding a few pounds or inches.
You almost killed me and I won’t let you do it again. So goodbye. This is the only time I will directly address you and officially kick you out the back door. You are not wanted. I do not need you. Don’t ever come back again. Your voice has no more authority in my house! I trust my therapists. I trust myself… the inner voice within me that you have been silencing for so long. That voice takes over. You’re out. Thank you again… but please stay away. You are not welcome- I hope I made that very clear. Let me live my life. Bye ED.