*Note: This article was written from the perspective of a Christian struggling with depression. It’s purpose is to show that it is okay to share this honest feelings with God, just as David did in Psalms 13 and many others in the Bible.
When will the pain end? When will the struggle cease?
Even just temporarily… God… for a moment, please?
My voice… I know it’s there. But teach me how to use it…
I don’t know who to turn to, or who to trust anymore.
I know I am no victim. I claim victory in your name.
I know I’m alive, solely thanks to your grace.
But God, I’m still so very lost.
I feel exposed, needy, and confused.
I’m tired of trusting and hurting… again and again.
My hope, I can’t stop it’s fading.
God, reignite my strength.
Stir it up from depths I cannot reach.
I’m hungry God… so hungry.
Will you feed me… please.
Rape one year. Shame the next. Anxiety then follows. Then trauma… again.
Still God I trusted. I called out your name.
I asked you for guidance, and I pleaded… please stay.
A few friends come and go. Small teases of what kindness could be.
I receive pity, some words… best wishes… and silence.
I don’t call it depression, for my joy is in you.
I choose to live daily, to breathe, to break through.
I’m not afraid. I take my sword bravely.
I fight my said demons, I surrender, I hide when it’s needed.
But God, still… the suffering, the confusion… never ceases.
Do I ask for help? Do I take up my cross?
Do I sit and heed directions, or do I stay out of sight?
God…. I know you are good.
This world tells me otherwise.
But.. why else would you give me just enough to survive?
I’m banking on the fact that this life is still better,
than life without you, forever and ever.
There is more darkness I have not seen.
There’s still so much you’re shielding from me.
I don’t know what it is. I know I can’t handle it.
For this here right now, THIS… I barely living it.
Lord, will you give me strength and just faith and more faith?
To believe in your name,
when all else is fake?
Breathe life into my bones, send my spirits rising…
I want to be a child that you can find pleasing.
Can I cry? Is it safe?
What is safe?
Am I safe?
This world, God it SCARES ME.
That’s why I say… take me.
God I want to fight. I want to live for you. I want to bring you glory. I want to give thanks to you.
Will you cast off my labels, and meet me face to face?
I’m not anorexic, depressed, or bipolar.
I’m not traumatized, self-seeking, too weak, or mis-behaving.
I do not lack faith… otherwise would I even write this now? I know God I’m lacking… but God…. am I slacking?
Imperfect or sinful? Do I rejoice or confess?
Do I speak out in anger?
Or it is love…. love… and embrace?
I just want to eat. I’d like my stomach to not hurt. I want to feel accepted at church. I just want to be heard.
Is it too wrong to ask?
Should I stop?
I’m lost God… I’m shaking.